Strawberry Kale Cream Cheese Braid

Please excuse my crude language…but the only thing comparable to this irresistibly delicious made-from-scratch-braid is…well…an orgasm.

No lie, this is one of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth (OK, weird comment to make). It was an absolute labor of love and I HAVE no idea what possessed me to bake such a labor intensive sweet treat. It kind of reminded me of that time I spent 4 hours trying to make raviolis from scratch and cried almost all the way through it. This wasn’t nearly as difficult or painful as those effing ravs, but this braid was a lot of work. And it wasn’t perfect, but it is SUPER SUPER yummy.

And I DARE you to try and find a bread or danish recipe that incorporates strawberries and kale. Go ahead, look.

….

Find anything? Didn’t think so. You may have found a strawberry kale salad, but nothing like this.

OK, I’ll get off my high horse now and explain the recipe itself. I had 10 lbs of fresh strawberries after Whole Foods epic sale 2 weeks ago when they had organic pints for just $2. Half went to smoothies, a whole bunch are now frozen, and that left two lonely pints. I knew I wanted to cook them down into something sweet. But everytime I make something sweet, I feel the need to add some heavy greens. And kale and strawberries go great together in smoothies, so why not baked bread?

They are perfect together, by the way. I know many people may not be up for this feat, but if you do, I HIGHLY recommend setting aside some time to enjoy it. Hard work in the kitchen always pays off big, and this braid…it may be my greatest baking endeavor yet!

FOR THE BRAID (adapted from Cookbook Aficionado)

3 1/2 cups organic all purpose flour, plus 1/4 cup

3/4 cup coconut oil, softened (melted is fine too)

2/3 cup almond milk

1/4 cup raw organic sugar, plus 1 tsp

1 tsp pure vanilla

1 tsp sea salt

1/3 cup warm water

1 package active dry yeast

CREAM CHEESE

1 cup raw cashews, soaked for 2 hours

1 tsp pure vanilla

1 tbsp honey or liquid sweetener

FILLING

2 1/2 cups chopped kale

2 pints strawberries, chopped

1/3 cup fresh orange juice

1/4 cup raw organic sugar

1 tbsp tapioca starch

In a bowl, dissolve water, yeast, 1/4 cup flour and 1 tsp sugar-let sit, covered, in a warm place for 15 minutes
(For the next part, most people would tell you to use a mixer, but since I only have a food processor, this worked just as well)
In a food processor, mix together 3 1/2 cups flour, coconut milk, sugar and almond milk and the yeast mixture-if you have a smaller food processor mix together in batches by pouring half of all the ingredients in the processor and pulse until a dough is formed
Knead the dough once everything is mixed, and then set aside, covered, in a warm place for 90 minutes
Meanwhile, mix all the filling ingredients together in a saucepan and bring to a boil
Reduce to a simmer and let cook for about 10-15 minutes or until most of the liquid is absorbed
Once the cashews are soaked, mix all the cream cheese ingredients together in a blender and blend until creamy
Once the dough is done, roll out into a large square on parchment paper (12 X 12 is about right)
Lightly press a knife into the dough and make three equal vertical lines in the dough
Spread cream cheese mix onto the center square, reserving about 1 1/2 inches of clear dough on the top and the bottom (so that you can fold those over)
Then, top with strawberry and kale mix (you can see mine was too liquidy so drain yours a little if it starts going everywhere!)
Make an equal amount of diagonal lines going down the other two squares
Fold the top and bottom inches that have nothing on them over the mixture
Then start your braid but folding over one strip of dough on each side and crossing it over the mixture
Repeat until dough is covered, then top with sugar
You can cover it and let it rise, covered, for another 45 minutes or so, or if you’re impatient like me, bake right away at 375 degrees for 30-35 minutes